" Sorrow is Not a Bad Thing, and We Don’t Have to Always Desire to Avoid It."

Thoughts on Grief by Ben Sheperde, author of Rememberer with Dog

The Following is an excerpt from a note we received from Ben Sheperde, author of Rememberer with Dog and a substack publication with the same title:

The first time in my life that I experienced the full impact of severe grief, the kind where one literally feels the light leave the room and asks the question “is this all for nothing?” I came across the work of Jamie Quackenbush, who was one of the pioneers in bringing attention to pet loss and normalizing its acceptance and rightful place alongside all the other “acceptable” varieties of grief. I checked out his book (written in the 1980s) When Your Pet Dies from the local library and read it in its entirety. As I’m sure many can attest, there is no one source or answer that calms all that aches when one is in that circumstance, but we pick up the bits and pieces that help until we start to build a foundation for a new perspective.

I learned a lot through that experience. It did not inoculate me against the pain of loss in the future, but I was now more aware of how I handle such circumstances. This knowledge, despite its inability to cure all that ails, was more than I had to go on previously when I was knocked down by feelings I didn’t know that I had. However, I discovered a new hurdle: anticipatory grief, the fear of loss in the future as I watched my other pets and family members getting older (and I along with them). To put it bluntly, mortality, in multiple ways, stands ever-present in the way of our future plans -- the plans we have in this time-wrapped world where we can touch, taste, hear, smell and see. We’re pretty attached to sensory existence; it’s a fun thing when it is going well and we can put the part about death to the back of our minds. When we can experience our loved ones physically -- seeing them, holding them -- it fills us. Once they are not in this world with us, although we can think about them and miss them, our sense of comfort is greatly disturbed. We are challenged to find a new way to feel filled by them without their physical presence.

Grief, despite its unpleasant and anguished properties, creates in its own way an experience of those we long for. Sorrow is not a bad thing, and we don’t have to always desire to avoid it. Conversely, it is also not a necessary condition for experiencing, in an immediate and real way, those whom we miss. When I was in the midst of loss and anticipating more in the future, particularly the fear of losing my first dog, I sought a quality of grief wherein I could feel the confidence that my departed loved ones were still with me and within me. I examined my memories, my feelings, and even my perspective on the nature of existence itself, looking at not only the individual episodes of loss, but the entire context of life and relationships surrounding them. This quest initiated a seven-year journey that eventually produced a book: Rememberer with Dog. The experience of writing it brought me closer to that confidence. Like all other things, it was not perfect or complete in its ability to provide comfort, but it became for me an essential stepping stone on my path to understanding the full meaning of the connections we have, how they all fit together, and where it may lead as we continue to learn, develop, and become. It is not a book of advice; it is a memoir. My hope is that others going through their own unique experience with loss but asking similar questions might find some additional perspective in the story and perhaps feel less alone in what they themselves are grappling with.

Those who share their stories with you in your online community know that writing about their experiences can soothe; it can also sometimes lead to surprising and remarkable outcomes.